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Whitesdale Community Children's Center
Welcome to the Whitesdale Community Children’s Center (WCCC)!
We are delighted that you have placed your toddler in the care of the WCCC. You should be pleased to know that between the hours of 9:40 AM to 4:20 PM every day, excluding days marked red on the attached calendar, your child will be looked after in the safety of our newly built 1-acre establishment. Unlike our previous 10,000 sq ft building, which was rated to hold a maximum 15,000 children, the new state-of-the art facility, boasting around 44,000 sq ft of space, is rated to hold nearly one fourth of the reproductive potential of Whitesdale Community at the spacious stock density of only 1 child per square foot (c.s.f.)! This is an enormous step up from the 1.5 c.s.f stock density of the previous establishment. We are very excited about the new facility, which will open on July 29, 2008 – the 125th anniversary of Mussolini’s birth.
Entrance1 to the luxurious new WCCC facility, to be opened in 2008.
But first, we are compelled to inform you of a few rules of our not-for-proft child care service. We do not cook, feed, clean, or listen to your child. Diaper changing service can be ordered for an additional $15 per change per child. Failure to pick up child by 4:20 PM results in an after-hours surcharge of $72 per ohm-farad per child. We expect that your children present our highly-qualified staff with gifts for every major holiday, including Christmas, New Year, Ash Wednesday, Easter, Pentecost, Labor Day, Election Day, Thanksgiving, 1st Sun. Advent, Groundhog Day, President’s Day, Memorial Day, etc. We believe that the practice of giving gifts both rewards our staff for their hard work and dedication, and teaches children about the blessings of having rich parents.
In addition, we require your children to complete at least 42 qualified service hours every week. The following activities count as service hour opportunities2:
- Participating in any WCCC-sponsored Event
- Organizing its own service project that is WCCC-approved
- Helping another person complete his or her own service project that is WCCC-approved
- Volunteering at a WCCC-sponsored event, so long as the child is not part of the club that is sponsoring the event, which it is obligated to attend
- Tutoring other children under staff supervision
- Volunteering at a soup kitchen, nursing home, etc.
As its parents, you are requested to donate at least $400 to any of the 743 fundraising activities, funds, and charities that are enumerated in the attachment to this letter. Checks can be made out to the Lingayat-Sunni Church of Latter-day Theravādans.
To prevent your child’s categorical misdevelopment, it will be given periodic communication newsletters, attached to its wrist with a cable tie, to be read by you. The color of the newsletter will correspond to its category of content:
- Pink: conduct
- Coral: effort
- Fuchsia: progress reports
- Rose: demerits
In accordance with the California Standards of Learning laws, your child will be well-prepared to take standardized tests in both academic and physical subjects. As part of the Childhood of Servitude (COS) immersion program, a prerequisite to admittance to Kindergarten, your child will be able to
- Measure the length of its fingers in fathoms
- Lift refuse bags up to and including 50 lbs.
- Wash dishes while counting from 1 to 13 forwards and backwards
- Pick up doggy poo from public property
- Wash dirt and grime from the five dirtiest points of a station wagon, as detailed in Dr. Kelly Schmoozle’s 1300-page Cosmopolitan York Times bestseller Making Children Work.
Thank you very much for your time, and we hope to see you very soon.
Sincerely,
Kelly Schmoozle
PhD Worker Child Psychoengineering, founder WCCC.
2http://activities.tjhsst.edu/nhs/index.php?page=hours